today i am scare, because if i continue to keep silence, i fear that my existence may be for naught. today i got stoned, very stoned. i watched the iron chef, and wondered how great it would to cook each day, eat, and watch iron chef live. so then each day is spent eating and watching iron chef. that is what each day is, eating, sitting with bloodshot eyes and an engorging belly ready to explode away all fantasy. how much longer can i keep this up, living, finding simple ways to be happy, how else to forget the void that is my heart. and besides it is always awesome to eat and watch iron chef, just maybe not everyday. most of the time those bloodshot eyes are usually blind.
yesterday i did 23 pull ups, it was much easier then the first time last week, which felt like an earthquake in the joints.
i planned to bike today, it would've been awesome. i am scare of riding my bike, because i fell off my bike last year. as the years pass, my body is not as strong. i can't afford to miss any days at work. i feel unsafe on a bike. i feel ashamed that kayleigh got hurt under my watch. i also have not taken any photos since the accident. i was getting my camera when she got hurt. i am sorry kayleigh, i meant for the best, you look beautiful in those pictures. i shoot some pictures of her after she got hurt. i feel like an asshole, the worst boyfriend ever. we got stoned before we went biking, bad idea. never again. i usually get stoned after i get off work, when did this happen? have i been totally alienated from my environment? i don't feel ready for my trip around the world. tomorrow there is a pot luck at franny's house, i'm not sure what to cook. i'm going to spend all morning racking my brain for ideas. i hope i get sent home early, then i would have time, the dinner is an hour after work is over. there are two couchsurfers arriving on tuesday, they're from bavaria. it would've been nice to have them at the dinner party. i will be working and probably too tired to show them around, so what will happen is i'll get stoned and do what i do, and they'll do some awesome traveling. these last few months mindless self indulgence, have been less than graceful, let's hope it starts to die with this journal entry. will i continue to eat and watch iron chef, or pick up a book and my camera, maybe some words.
today i asked christian if he has been writing, he said yes, it helps him deal with the anger and resentment. writing helps him be rid of the luggage and have a clear mind. he gives the aural of confidence and positivity that makes it difficult to imagine him unhappy and angry, he's a good guy. his father, john, died on 9/10/2010 at 2:55am. i have trained myself to forget and not to remember people that die, because it felt easier, more comfortable. i want to remember john, and i am very sad that he is gone. at the hostipal, i sat next to john and the word that repeated once after the other, thank and you, i felt speechless. then i thought about what he would like to hear, i told him that christian is a good kid and you did good, you son will be going to college, and he's going to be set for life. and that i also repeated. i never did get to hear personally, the many stories that i overheard, and i cherish the few that was granted. thanks john, you dirty old man, cotsoria.
i told christian to watch "postmen in the mountains".
in december of last year, my uncle died, i do not know his name, i know him as "ah to-at", meaning uncle in the chaozhou dialect of chinese. i cried, not as deep as i cried next to john, nor when celine left. and then there's always kumi and my mother. please be in memory what you always were, awesome. i cried because then the realization came that my father will not be missed, and my imagination grew rapid, i saw am empty funeral home, with first my father in the casket, and then me. what will i leave as a sign of my existence, my father's tears or try to hold on to his legacy. my father is known to be a kind man, so my family adores us, even though we were brats. he did pretty good, coming from a family of wife-beaters and gamblers, it's a wonder how he didn't became so mischievous. everyone says that father and mother are a good match, because they are both very kind-hearted. my mother is a vegetarian, and my dad's mother were against their marriage because she thought the bride to be sickly and weak, she didn't give her consent by being absent at the wedding. or so the rumor goes. the main character in "to live" by yu hua, a playboy who gambles away his fortune, that a prototype for the males in my family. wow, i learnt so much at the funeral. it was a revelation. so am i ungrateful is always the question.
so here's the deal, my father owes me money. over ten grand. so needless to say there is unease around the subject. he feels like a failure, and me, i feel wasted and a used. it took a long time to save up that much, that my whole youth. i could've travel the world already, and i would've. M is leaving tomorrow morning to mexico city for the anniversary, i am happy for him. today he told me that at age nineteen he left home to go fishing in alaska, 1/8 of weed back in 1986 in alaska value at 80 bucks, so he bought a pound in seattle, and made four thousand, then got tired of working 16 hours days and jumped ship to california, being homeless on the beaches of southern california, and then something about a bad hair rock band, or so the story goes.
franny talked about wanting to move to new york, she told me i discouraged her. i didn't mean to, maybe that my habit, and that's why i'm so discouraged about things, keeping track of it. it will be her first time away from home. i am worried for her, and i acted like a badger, poking at her dream, "got a job", "it's gonna be expensive", "are you sure", god i feel stupid. I should have listened first before i open my mouth. you fucking dream crusher. i tried to make by asking friends people if they knew people that could hire franny, i'll continue asking. i want to do something to make up for being an asshole once again. mark, how do i chill the fuck out? today don, asked me if i wanted to work for him and instead of listening i went into a monologue. next time i will listen and then answer. when people are talking it is about them. when franny walked around the stand today getting produced, i thought to myself, god damn, in another universe, i could see myself be married to that women. that happens to me quite often, like with rae, that when a person begins to leave, i suddenly realize the possibility of love, when it's late and i'm rushing.
what will i make for dinner tomorrow. i wish kayliegh was here. i am trying not to think about what will happen when she moves in. just let it be, and try to make it right.
today i am not smoking more than once a day, and from now on, i will only do it once after work. i am going to go read and put some book on hold, tomorrow i will cook roasted vegetables, and maybe lamb if i have time. tuesday i will wake up early and make it to the georgetown dental clinic by 7am. i wish i knew about that place when i lived a few blocks away.